Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull movie review (Baltimore Citypaper)

Apparently, George Lucas wanted this movie to be called Indiana Jones and the Saucer Men From Mars, but Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford deemed such a plot line to be too stupid. That’s unfortunate, because the biggest thing that’s missing from this absolutely unnecessary series resurrection is the sense of playfulness that made the first–and some of the second–Indiana Jones movie enjoyable. Far be it for any critic in 2008 to complain that Lucas had too little to do with a screenplay’s composition, but Crystal Skull needed much more of his reckless immaturity and a whole lot less of Ford grappling (endlessly) with his old age. Yes, the old guy does his own stunts. Yes, the old guy cracks the whip a few times. Yes, the old guy still looks good in a fedora. So what? Could the old guy have been bothered to try and breathe a little personality into his character instead of depending on the audience’s collective nostalgia to do it for him? Had Crystal Skull indulged more in the red scare sci-fi it promises in its first act and less of the fake-out archaeology it mechanically delivers in the rest, it could have been a worthwhile addition to the series. As it is, Shia LaBeouf is only marginally less grating than the “Dr. Jones” kid loops on YouTube, Karen Allen is catatonic to the point of nonexistence, and Ford is, well, old.

First appeared May 22, 2008 in Baltimore Citypaper.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian movie review (Baltimore Citypaper)

The reluctant heroes of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe return to Narnia, but as Jesus–I mean, Aslan–says in Prince Caspian, “nothing happens the same way twice.” The four kids are both older and more confident in their roles as the mystical land’s saviors, but they still manage to be some of the most annoying child protagonists outside of Veruca Salt. There’s far less grandiose magic in Caspian than there was in its predecessor, and also considerably less exposition; thus, it’s hard to imagine viewers who are unfamiliar with the basic outlines of the previous story being able to get on board with the reference-heavy plot. But that’s OK: with a nearly 2.5-hour running time, there’s plenty of time to catch up. In the thousand or so years since the kids’ last visit, Narnia has been all but destroyed by invasive humans–meaning all the dwarves, talking rodents, and warrior centaurs are in hiding. Exiled Prince Caspian and the now-legendary young heroes gather up the troops to lead the charge against a corrupt king, and lots of incredibly violent (but bloodless) battles take place. And, seriously, that’s it. Thankfully, the battles are all well shot, the palace intrigue is kept to a minimum, and the young stars have grown up enough to make you not notice that this is the most melancholy popcorn flick of the summer.

First appeared May 22, 2008 in Baltimore Citypaper.

Be Your Own Pet feature (Orlando Weekly)

“Doing other things doesn’t make you less true to yourself. So this time, we were trying to mix it up, have more variety.”

If that doesn’t sound like the words of a punk-rock princess choking on her own progress, then you haven’t been paying enough attention to bands trying to justify their inevitably disappointing second album. True to form, those words are in reference to the second album by Be Your Own Pet, attributed to the band’s young, bratty, volatile and explosive singer, Jemina Pearl. Well, Pearl used to be young, bratty, volatile and explosive. She’s now running up on being of legal drinking age, which means that she’s no longer the insouciant high school student who pushed back against a raft of stereotypes by spitting, windmilling and fuck-you-ing her way across stages, propelled by the barely contained garage rock of her equally young and explosive bandmates.

With Get Awkward, the band’s songs are still bracing and efficient – only one clocks in at over three minutes – and Pearl is still an unhinged, full-throttle screamer who’s unashamed to make a shouted “WHOOO!” part of a chorus. But it would be unfair to expect the album to maintain the same invincible immaturity that propelled Be Your Own Pet through their first EPs and 2006 self-titled debut LP. To that end, Steven McDonald (Redd Kross) applies his lifetime of merging smartass attitude, punk-rock roots and pop sensibilities to the production work. (On the album’s weakest track – the midtempo “You’re a Waste” – Pearl’s singing voice bears a striking resemblance to that of McDonald’s wife, Anna Waronker.) The result is an album that moves the band forward incrementally, dialing down their spazziness in proportion to the level that their songwriting chops have improved. Which is to say, not much. The arrangements are still basic and modular, the lyrics are still dumb, the chords are still single-digit and it’s still the drumming that drives the whole thing.

So why does the 2008 model of BYOP feel so different than the 2006 model? Well, there’s the fact that this defiantly carefree band is heading out on a corporate tour with She Wants Revenge. And if that doesn’t leave a weird taste in your mouth, try this out: Less than a month before it was due to be released in the States, Universal Records deemed three of Get Awkward’s songs “too violent.” (Though signed to Thurston Moore’s label, Ecstatic Peace, BYOP’s U.S. releases come through Ecstatic Peace/Universal.) Rather than stand their ground, the band simply removed those three tracks from the album. In an interview with Washington Square News (the newspaper of New York University), Pearl coughed up this response:

“Other than that, Universal has been great. But I guess that’s just what happens when you decide to have something to do with a major label.”

Ahh, maturity.

First appeared May 22, 2008 in Orlando Weekly.

Torche feature (Orlando Weekly)

The music of Torche comes at you with overwhelming forcefulness. The blistering guitar work, the sludge-thick riffs, the hulkingly muscular rhythm section, even the hooks that eschew anthemic power for melodic effectiveness, make a listener feel like a meerkat in the middle of a mammoth stampede: It’s coming, it’s fast, and it will crush you. It’s surprising, then, to hear that singer-guitarist Steve Brooks is a timid fellow.

“[Brooks is] usually a shy guy when it comes to his vocals; he’s not too confident of a singer,” says Torche guitarist Juan Montoya. “He’s much more comfortable on guitar.”

That discomfort could have something to do with the three-year gap between the release of Torche’s self-titled debut and this year’s 13-track Meanderthal. While many heavy bands bang out the release-tour-record-release grind on an almost annual basis, it took longer for Torche – and producer Kurt Ballou (of Converge) – to get the Meanderthal material ready for public consumption.

“When we went into the studio, we only went in with seven or eight songs,” says Montoya. “I don’t think Kurt or Steve were real confident in the direction the record was going at the beginning. The vocals were the main problem, because Steve waits until the last minute to come up with stuff. We come from the school of the Melvins and the Cocteau Twins, where people make up words that don’t really mean anything.”

(Yes, you read correctly: “the school of the Melvins and the Cocteau Twins.”)

“But even with just those [seven or eight] songs ready when we went in, we ended up coming out with 13 songs completed,” continues Montoya. “It came naturally, but a lot of help came from Kurt. He’s really focused and he’s very talented. He really knows what he’s doing and it’s comfortable to work with him. He’s eccentric, but he’s a genius and a madman.”

Springing from the ashes of highly regarded Florida bands Cavity (of which Montoya was a member) and Floor (Brooks’ former band, which counted Montoya as a member in its final days), Torche adds a strong melodic sensibility to the pummeling heaviness and tightly controlled aggression of those two bands. And though Torche was formed in the muck of South Florida and claims legions of homegrown fans throughout the Sunshine State – “Can you mention that every time we play in Orlando it’s been a great show and everyone makes us feel welcome?” asks Montoya – the band now splits its residential allegiances. Montoya and Brooks live in Atlanta, while bassist Jonathan Nuñez and drummer Rick Smith (who also plays in amazing grindcore/crustcore bands Shitstorm and Mehkago N.T.) remain behind in Miami.

Despite the hundreds of miles between their homes, though, the members of Torche are unlikely to become strangers any time soon.

“We just got back from a couple of tours,” says Montoya, “and we just finished the record and now we’re headed out on tour again through the end of the year, so we’re gonna be living with each other every day in a van, so it’s not like we’ll forget one another or anything.”

First appeared May 22, 2008 in Orlando Weekly.